you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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