ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
