my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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