My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
