i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
