my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
