I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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