you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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