My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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