Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
