you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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