Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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