I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Don't make out with my wife yet
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
