my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
