Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
