Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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