oh god the rape fog is back!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
