I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
