Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
