There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
