I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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