my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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