3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize