The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
