i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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