After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
