I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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