Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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