I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
