That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
