dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
