I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
