My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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