I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
