I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You may now shotgun with the bride
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
