capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
