Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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