All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
