listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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