He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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