just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
