If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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