I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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