she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
