my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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