I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
