My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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