I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
