Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
