Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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