Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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