I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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