My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
