I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
