gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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