I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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